A Secret To Tell
by D.Gray-Man 411Critic
Summary: Lenalee has something she needs to tell Kanda that may affect their friendship forever.


Lenalee straightened her hair as she looked in the mirror. She had one thing stuck in her mind and it was driving her up the wall. It wasn't disturbing or unwanted, but it just made her feel _weird_. It was indeed a peculiar thing. It was something she was new to, however, she knew what it was. She's known for a long time, yet she continuously tried to deny it, but she could no longer. She didn't particularly know what she was supposed to do though. With a heavy sigh, she gathered a lock of her it was too short to put up anymore. In her personal opinion it made her look ugly.

She leisurely walked out of her bedroom with thoughts circumfluent, all centered around one thing. Actually, in all crystal clarification, it was all centered around a person. A single person that she had fallen in love with. Kanda. He wasn't the nicest person in the world, but he was respectable and he shared many things with Lenalee-advice, opinions, stories, knowledge, and more. Thinking back on her life here at the Black Order, Kanda had been the first person she had befriended. He had been here long before she came and he was there for Lenalee to help her through her new life. He understood how difficult it was for her to accept this new change. The guy was more compassionate than he'd led people to believe, but perhaps he shows his soft side with only her. No, not at all. Mostly with women. He has a special hobby with irritating men or starting an argument, nevertheless, he compliments everyone when praise must be merited.

Some people have this image in their head that Kanda is such an asshole that he does't have manners. That would be a myth. He says thank you occasionally. In his own way, he comforts and supports his fellow Exorcists. In truth, Lenalee knew Kanda and Allen were best friends. How many times have they saved each other's lives? How many times had they supported each other during a battle or on an assignment? They don't have to do some things, but they do. They do because they care. The same goes with Lavi. Although it's not unexpected for Lavi or Allen to help Kanda, some find it absolutely unnatural for Kanda to help anybody. Sure, Kanda's a tough guy and he's rough around the edges. Kanda may be hard to get along with sometimes, and yet, everyone cared about his well being. In return, with thanks and gratitude he hardly expresses, Kanda aids them in many ways. Kanda protects the people he considers family, though he won't ever admit it. What he doesn't protect is the organization.

In every angle you position yourself in you'll come up with the same answer: Kanda loathes the Black Order. They turned him into an experiment. They caged him in. Kanda, like a few others, were given no options to become an Exorcist. It devastated Kanda. Lenalee was sure he'd always been a bitter person, and maybe not with a good reason all the time, considerably though, Kanda was a terrific person. Lenalee realized a long time ago that some of her friends don't know hwo to truly express themselves. Kanda is one of them. For instance, Allen is a perfect gentlemen. Most of his traits are desirable and enamoring-he's enamoring-but there are many times when his personality may not be so great. Allen has a big heart. He chose to become an Exorcist to protect humans and save the souls of the Akuma, knowing all too well how badly both suffer as he had experienced something grim in his life before. She knew that he had nightmares sometimes, mostly about Mana, and he told no one. When he's upset or disturbed he smiles just to make others feel better. He neglects himself and it's hard to believe he is constantly doing this on purpose. Maybe it was just self-neglect, but Allen doesn't know how to smile a real smile too much. He has no idea how to express himself when he's somber. All he knows how to do is smile and move on, hoping the agony will leave.

In a way, Kanda was the same. Lavi was in training to become Bookman's successor and he's not allowed to have real emotions, no real attachments, and because of that she knew Lavi had lost himself. Lavi is likely not the redhead's real name. There are times when Lavi shines through, but Lenalee has trouble differentiating between what's real or fake with him. Like Allen, Kanda was similar to Lavi's issue. These three boys were so different yet so similar. That's why they were best friends even though it comes across differently. The people that really knew them understood this.

Lenalee knew this may be some of the myriad reasons why she was so infatuated with him.

"Hello, Lenalee." Allen automatically greeted upon seeing Lenalee approach him at the table. She had somehow managed to find the cafeteria. "Uh, Lenalee, are you okay? You seem a little... sad."

"Oh, yes, I'm fine! I just have a lot of things on my mind." Lenalee said, offering the white-haired friend a smile.

Allen nodded, pensive. He wolfed down some of his chicken, studying Lenalee carefully and curiously, his smile never leaving his face. He had a to be in a really good mood today because Link wasn't stalking him today. He had to do something important according to Komui. Lenalee didn't bother asking for answers on what he had to do. She was just glad Allen could finally get some privacy in the meantime.

"Lenalee, pardon my... rude question... But are you at... your special... time of month?" Allen asked reluctantly.

Lenalee couldn't help but find it amusing at how red Allen's face was. He was flushed! He really was a sweet guy and someday some girl will be lucky to have such a wonderful man, to have Allen and to be able to call him their own. Now if only she were lucky enough to do that with Kanda.

But he wasn't the only one flushed.

"N-no, Allen. I'm not." Lenalee whispered, trying to hide her embarrassment.

"I'm sorry!" Allen apologized sheepishly, looking at her tenderly. "I shouldn't have asked. You just seem really... I don't know, really. You just don't seem to be yourself today." And now that tenderness was replaced with concern.

Lenalee smiled, laughing a little. "I feel fine. I was just thinking. I mean it."

"... Okay."

It was obvious Allen didn't believe her. But really, Lenalee felt perfectly fine. She was just so deep in thought. What was she supposed to say? Do? Should she keep pretending there was nothing she felt for Kanda? Maybe for a little longer? And if so, how much longer? Albeit, Lenalee wanted to know what Kanda felt. She needed to know. It was burning passion to find the answer, but that passion was easily diminished by fear. A fear greater than the fear of death, it seems.

But perhaps someone could help her without having to confess her feelings to Kanda.

"Allen, I have a question." Lenalee muttered, leaning forward and making sure no one around was close enough to hear them. "Do you think Kanda and I would be a good couple?"

At first Allen was perplexed. It was funny how the skin around his eyes wrinkled as his eyebrows furrowed. He was dumbfounded by the question, but it was clear to her that he was thinking about the meaning of it as well. When it struck him, his eyebrows shot up and he jumped up, jaw hanging. Lenalee bit her bottom lip, knowing all too well that Allen might yell something out that wouldn't be good for anyone's safety. She quickly stood up and covered his mouth as he got ready to say something.

"Mmfh hef azr senda!?" Allen screamed, however, Lenalee's hand muffled whatever it was he said.

"Shhhh!" Leanlee hushed, eyeing the cafeteria leerily before she slowly retreated her hand. "Now listen-"

"You like Kanda?" Allen inquired, his tone wavering between disbelief, amusement, satisfied, mortification, slight contempt, and mirth. "Lenalee, do you?"

Lenalee smiled sheepishly. It was easy to assume she was blushing with how hot her face felt. She was burning up! Furthermore, a knot in her chest tightened when she meekly nodded. She wasn't at all ashamed, but she was a little worried about what Allen would say. He was a very understanding person and she hoped he would use his amazing abilities to not ridicule her and support her instead.

Allen stared at her vacantly, studying Lenalee as she squirmed under his gaze. Her eyes aimlessly wandered around to signal her nervousness while her deep crimson blush made her steam. Allen, for once, lost his appetite because he was more intrigued by the new circumstances. He grabbed her hand and gently yanked her arm, urging her to move forward. She didn't hesitate nor did she argue in any way. That made this a little easier.

Allen glanced at Lenalee as they walked down the hall and pivoted a corner. He was trying to find some place private and he knew only one place for that. Well, two. But he decided to pick the one closer to them right now. With the place planned, Allen guided her to his room. Link wouldn't be there and that would give them all the privacy they needed to discuss this matter with one another. Arriving at his bedroom door, he quickly opened it and ushered Lenalee it. He locked the door once it was closed, and uncertainly, he stood right there in front of the door, staring at it, still vacant.

Lenalee inhaled deeply when Allen turned his head around, pressing his slender body against the wooden door. Then, surprisingly, he smiled.

"So that's it, huh?" Allen whispered, spinning around on his heels so his back was touching the door and he was facing her completely. "I thought maybe you'd be the one to like Lavi... But Kanda?" Allen laughed softly. "That's unexpected."

"Yeah, well, a lot of people think I like _you_." Lenalee shot back, feeling the need to defend herself somehow.

Allen covered his mouth. Lenalee noticed his shoulders were shaking. Apparently Allen thought that notion was hilarious. In a microscopic, hardly tangible way, Lenalee felt insulted, nonetheless, she kept her mouth shut. Allen was one of the few people she could talk to directly and receive answers from, not having to worry too much about her psychotic brother or false responses. Allen was an honest guy and when it came to something like this, there's no way he'd lie. She didn't think Allen was afraid of Komui anyways. It was his robots and the drill he used to fix his Innocence. If you stop the madman before the invention can be brought to life you have nothing to worry about.

"I'm sorry, that's just a tad funny." Allen apologized sincerely.

Lenalee wanted to say something about it, but she too smiled, unable to contain her laughter. "It is a little funny. I just can't think of you as more than a cute little brother."

Allen raised his eyebrow. "Cute?" With a big smile.

Lenalee rolled her eyes, sighing. Why had she been worried about Allen's opinion? Allen would never tell her it was stupid or try to lead her away from Kanda or whatever.

"Fine; caring, loveable brother."

"Oh, no, no, I prefer cute and cuddly." Allen smirked, pushing a strand of hair away from his gray eyes. "I'm not arrogant, but I'd say on a scale of one to ten I'm a nine. I could definitely be a lady-killer if I so pleased."

Now it was Lenalee's turn to quirk an eyebrow questionably. "You sound like Lavi."

"No, I just know I'm the type of person girls would love to have. I meet many of women's standards. I am a genuine person." Allen said, tilting his head to the side. "That and because of spending a few years with Master has allowed me to figure out how to please a woman and how to seduce them with charm and style, not that Master really has any. He's just a lucky bastard."

Lenalee giggled. Now that was something she never would have thought Allen would say. It's likely Allen was more narcissistic than Lavi, or wait, _Cross_. That man is completely full of himself, but he's not in love with his charming face. Allen... Is unpredictable sometimes.

"Well, please keep your secrets about how to "please" a woman to yourself. I don't want to know about your attempts or any of your past... eventful experiences."

Allen's smile broadened. "Oh, Lenalee, I'm still a virgin. But either way, this isn't about me. this is about you and Kanda."

Lenalee gulped and she could feel her blush coming back. "I-I... I can't help it. Kanda is so..."

"Kanda's an idiotic brute who's beyond any simple means of selfish and he constantly nags people, especially me, about minor, insignificant things that is absolutely unnecessary to mention. He's a jerk and I'd say that bastard is a genuine demon like Master. Those two could compete for first place in an evil pageant! I swear those two are worse than the Noah Clan! Not to mention he's always threatening to kill me! He's an immature, bratty, self-centered, ignorant, rude, pretentious jackass who only thinks about himself and forgets about the rest of the world and believes we're all beneath him!" Allen claimed, getting angrier by the moment and his smile was wiped off his face.

Lenalee cringed with each word. What Allen say was mostly true. Usually, Kanda thought about himself before anyone else. Lenalee believed it could have been instinct or his way of feeling secure. Then, Allen smiled again.

"However, I think the big lug needs some loving. If he has some, then he might not be so cold. I think it's nice you like Kanda. Not only that, Kanda is never fazed by Komui's experiments. He's perfect for you. Besides," Allen's gaze softened and he walked over to Lenalee, brushing Lenalee's hair back and hugging her. "it's crystal clear you two have a special connection. I think you two would be a beautiful couple."

Lenalee smiled, hugging Allen back. He really was a sweet guy. That's why she loved the younger friend. Pulling away, Lenalee patted Allen's head. "Thanks, Allen. You're the best friend anyone could want."

"You're welcome, but you should go talk to Kanda about your feelings." Allen whispered.

Lenalee felt those butterflies in her stomach again. "But..."

"I don't know if Kanda feels the same about you, but I know it's better to confess now than worry about it. It's better to take a chance. It's also better to hurt now than to hurt later on, because then you might never heal or you'll be too scared to tell him and he may feel the same, but eventually move on... I guess what I'm trying to say is that if you don't say something now, you may never, and then you'll spend the rest of your life thinking about what could have been."

Lenalee sighed. He was right. Completely right. The question is: Does Lenalee have the courage to confess to Kanda about her deepest, darkest secret? Lenalee was sensitive when it came to certain things and thinking about Kanda telling her no... Made her break a little inside.

* * *

Lenalee squeezed her elbows, hugging herself. It was late, but Kanda was awake. He normally is awake at this time. A lot of people were, but Lenalee usually wasn't. Lately, the lat few days, she couldn't get over what Allen had told her. Everyday since their conversation Allen has asked her if she told him yet. She wanted to and she tried once, but she didn't. She could take to him, she could pretend nothing was going on, but she couldn't tell him... Now, though, she knew she had to. Whether she was afraid or terrified doesn't matter. It'll only hurt the longer she waits. She might as well end it now and save her some time. Besides, she couldn't sleep right now. Kanda was stuck on her mind.

Hesitantly, Lenalee knocked on the door, exhaling. She somewhat hoped he was asleep or he wouldn't answer, but at the same time, she wished he would open the door. For awhile she stood there patiently, silently. When Kanda refused to come to the door, Lenalee chose to leave, but then... she stopped. Allen's advice drifted through her mind. She didn't want to hurt, but she knew she would eventually if she never tells Kanda. So, she turned back, and knocked on the door again.

"Kanda... It's me, Lenalee. Please open the door... Please." Lenalee said, closing her eyes.

There wasn't a single sound from the other side of the door. Not for a few minutes. Knowing Kanda, his acute sense of hearing didn't hear the sound of her feet walking away and he grunted. She could hear his feet smack the floor and in a matter of seconds, the door opened. Lenalee looked up at him while he looked down. His cobalt eyes studied her while his scowl twitched. Maybe she came at a bad time... but he wasn't yelling at her or telling her to go away.

"What?" he asked.

Lenalee fiddled with her fingers. "I... Kanda..." Lenalee stared deep into his eyes. There... she saw something peculiar. Something she's never seen before in Kanda's dark eyes. Sorrow. Sadness... Emptiness. "What's wrong, Kanda?"

Kanda stiffened. "What do you want!?" he snapped at her, looking away.

"I... I need to talk to you." Lenalee whispered.

Kanda tapped his finger against the door frame. During the silence, he found the time to give her his attention and his gaze, to a certain degree, softened, almost as if he regretted snapping at her. It was rare for him to shout at her of all people. So he thought he owed her.

"Why aren't you sleeping?" Kanda asked with a sigh.

"I... can't sleep."

"Did you have another nightmare?"

"... Last night, but... That's not what this is about." Lenalee replied drearily.

Kanda grabbed her arm and pulled her in, shutting the door behind him. Lenalee yelped, taken by surprise with his sudden action. She felt a little embarrassed when she looked at Kanda after yelping, but Kanda didn't mention it. He merely crossed his arms, staring at her expectantly. Lenalee tried to find a way to word this, how to say it, but she came up empty-handed. After a while, Kanda groaned.

"You're eyes are dark and you got bags. Go to bed." Kanda ordered.

"I don't want to be alone." Lenalee whispered, and she wasn't lying.

Lenalee truly did not wish to be alone. She wanted to be with Kanda. She wanted to be with Kanda, but Kanda clearly wanted to be alone.

Kanda shifted slightly. "What's wrong?"

Lenalee stepped closer to Kanda. He didn't move away from her and Lenalee took that as a good sign, thus stepping forward again. She continued this until she was directly in front of Kanda. "Kanda... I... I lo-"

Kanda caressed Lenalee's cheek, silencing her immediately. Kanda pulled her closer, wrapping an arm around her waist. "Go to bed." Kanda murmured, pressing his forehead against hers. "You can talk to me in the morning."

"But I don't... I don't want to be alone."

Kanda brushed his thumb over her lips, his eyes meeting hers. Lenalee shivered at his touch, but was more interested in that look in his eyes. Sorrow lay there still, but concern was evident. He was worried about her. Right now, though, she was worried about him. He was upset, she could he was.

"Then go to sleep in my bed." Kanda told her.

"But... what about you?"

Kanda didn't answer. No, instead, he picked her up and tossed her on his bed. Lenalee, surprised, yelped for the second time.

"Kanda!"

Kanda sighed, digging his face in her shoulder. Why couldn't she just go along with anything? He said they could talk in the morning and she wasn't alone. So why must she continue to resist? Then a thought crossed his mind. That deep blush on her cheeks said it all. She was nervous and sheepish about . Still caressing her cheek, Kanda lifted his head, easing his shoulders and he put one knee on the edge of the bed. She wiggled under him, either uncomfortable or freaked out. Still, Kanda kept her in place with his one arm still hugging her.

"Lenalee," he breathed, pressing his lips against her forehead. "I'm glad you're okay."

"... What?" Lenalee asked, blinking. "What do you mean?"

Kanda gritted his teeth. Lenalee noticed he tensed and sensed something was wrong. She moved her arms, placing her hands on his shoulders and gently pushing him back a little. "Kanda, what's going on?"

"... It was just a dream... About the past... The war... You."

By the sounds of it, Lenalee could tell this dream of his wasn't pleasant. She knew very little about Kanda's past, but she knew his past wasn't a happy one. She knew that, and she knew not to press on or ask for details, therefore, she embraced Kanda, sitting up as his arm loosened around her. As expected, Kanda tried to gently push her away from him, not liking the embrace, but Lenalee stuck to him like glue. Somewhere deep inside Lenalee was wishing for him to return the hug or to caress her cheek again. His touch was welcoming, soothing. His hands were a little rough, but they weren't jagged or callous. And though she craved for this, she saw Kanda's strong demeanor somewhat crumble. No, he wasn't crying. He wouldn't. He had more dignity than that and Lenalee wouldn't anticipate tears from Kanda. Not now, not ever.

"You're staying here tonight. You are going to sleep now." Kanda ordered quietly. He was serious, but he lacked the power that always remains... Until now. "You will. Got it?"

Lenalee nodded. "Sure. You're going to be here with me, right?"

Kanda nodded, pushing her back down on the bed, then getting off the mattress. Neither one spoke, neither one looked away. Lenalee listened to Kanda's breathing-steady, normal, harmonious. It just occurred to her that he wasn't wearing his uniform. He was wearing his casual black pants and a sleeveless black shirt, showing off biceps. He had muscles, not all too surprising. Most Exorcists had muscles. Lenalee herself was strong, but her muscles didn't slightly bulk out. Then again, most of her strength was in her legs. She wasn't entirely sure if it was because of Kanda or his room, but she felt hot.

"D-do you mind if I take my coat off?" Lenalee muttered.

Kanda shrugged. The question was stupid, but she felt the need to break the silence. However, she did feel strange when Kanda watched her unzip her coat and take off her uniform coat, exposing her arms, the chest area above her cleavage, and some skin on her back. It wasn't a big deal and still, her face got hotter while the cool air seeped into her pores, sending a shiver down her spine. Unsure what to do with it, Lenalee hugged her coat.

"In order to fall asleep you need to close your eyes." Kanda stated, sitting on the bed again. "Go to bed. _Now_."

"Where are you going to sleep?" Lenalee asked, grasping his arm. He wasn't answering and she postulated that it meant the floor was going to be his bed tonight without any pillows or blankets. "You can sleep on the bed with me. I mean, it is your bed and I'm not going to kick you out of it."

"... Are you sure?"

She wasn't. "Yes, Kanda."

Kanda was actually hesitating as he kicked off his shoes, reminding Lenalee of hers. Kanda read her mind and took her shoes off for her. It was awkward, but it was nice of him.

"Thanks."

"What are you thanking me for? i'm just keeping the dirt off my bed."

"Yeah, I know, but still."

Kanda rolled his eyes, laying down on his back whereas Lenalee turned on her side, staring at Kanda's face. He was eyeing the ceiling blankly, chest rising and falling rhythmically, eyes blinking occasionally, and warmth radiated off his body. Lenalee smiled, a strong feeling of eagerness and excitement... And arousal. How could he arouse her just by laying there?

"Kanda..?"

"What?"

Lenalee took a deep breath. "This may be awkward or... weird... Especially considering our circumstances, but I... For a long time now... I've..."

Kanda shifted again, this time staring at her. He stared deep into her eyes and her heart began racing. Why did this have to be so hard?

"Kanda, I love..."

Kanda turned on his side, coming closer to Lenalee, something like mirth hidden in his cobalt eyes. "Spit it out, Lenalee." Kanda muttered, his lips twitching.

"I can't! It's... I just can't tell you face-to-face! I can't when I'm lying in your bed. I can't when you make me nervous. I just can't tell you that-" Kanda folded his arms around her neck, bringing his face closer to hers. His breath hit Lenalee's face and his hair tickled her cheeks. His forehead gently tapped hers. It should have unsettled her or made her a nervous wreck, but instead, it calmed her down. She was secured in Kanda's arms. "I love you, Kanda."

Kanda smirked. "Why was that so hard to say?" he teased.

"Because... I was afraid you would reject me."

Kanda pulled her closer. "Well then, why don't you tell me if this is rejection or not?" Kanda whispered, passionately, a little roughly and definitely demanding, Kanda pressed his lips to Lenalee's, kissing her. His hands traveled down her back. "Lenalee, I love you."


End file.
